my life full off suffering and hate??? it's true enough...

hola amigos...well...i have nothing much to say this time...but i think this post would be long enough...whatever you guys think after reading this...well...holiday is ending in 2 weeks...i don't want it to end but i want it to end at the same time...this holiday just makes me think of my life...i realized its full of suffering and hate...I've been hating myself and other things i cant tell you about...and I've been suffering as long as i could remember from the starting of this year...i tried everything i can to change it...but it never happened...it didn't change even for one bit...it's as if I'm already meant to hate a miserable and unhappy life...i accept that...but it pist me off sometimes...even though that, i knew the fact that i couldn't do anything about it...since its god's willing that i have a life like this...sometimes i wanted to just...die...but i love my life too much to give it up just like that...i wanted to be special...i wanted to be different from any mortal of this world...i know I'm not that perfectly nice person...i lied before...and i did some other bad things in my life...because of those things i did....my life turned out like this...i don't care...i deserve it...i wasn't qualified enough to deserve happiness...nor do i deserve my dreams to come true...i only wanted one wish in my mind to come true...just that one wish that i know would change everything in my mortal and short life...i would like to tell you what it is...but...i just cant...i just have to keep it inside...that wish is really important to me...even though that wish would have big consequences...and bad consequences...i just want it...I'll be more than happy if it came true...and I'll wait for it if i have too...even if it takes me years of waiting...no matter what i won't let it go...